Proud to be alcohol-free for 2000 days

Rebuilding my life after my breakdown wasn’t easy. It took a lot of changes and a lot of different choices. I realised that to maintain better mental health, and give myself the best chance of living a contented life, I needed to mix things up. 

One of the things I focused on - working with my therapist - was identifying the sources of my anxiety: the things that created stress for me. These included the pressure of my work and my very imbalanced work-life balance; dealing with feelings of rejection, abandonment and the feeling of not being a priority, linked to some early life stuff; the almost-obsessive desire to be a good dad and good husband, which led me to place huge pressure on myself to do more and more all the time, even when this was simply not possible; the pressure of living up to expectations that I had set myself to be a success, even when that drive to success was exhausting me; and, the pressure to meet others’ needs for my time, my help, for me. 

The process of identifying these sources of stress and then working through them, realising I had more control over them and more choice to do things differently, was life-changing for me. With the work I did in therapy and the incredible support and patience of my amazing wife, Aileen, I wad able to reset my life and redefine success. This involved some big decisions and choices: where I lived, the work I did, and how I used my time.

My new measures of success were built around time with Dr J and Miss J (with me being completely present); doing the school run; not having a back-to-back busy diary; doing work that was meaningful but gave me joy; writing everyday (including in my journal); and spending time on activities that make me happy (including golf, Liverpool FC and reading The New York Times). 

Changing these fundamental building blocks of life was a big part of my recovery, but so too were smaller, enabling factors. These included the four basics that make up my SHED: more Sleep, more Hydration, more Exercise and a better Diet. Alongside this was the decision to give up alcohol.  

As I have written before, for me, drinking in the build up and aftermath of my breakdown was never a big part of my life. I was never a problem drinker. I was never someone who drank every day. I wasn't an addict, but I was someone for whom drink didn't work. It left me - even after one beer or glass of wine - feeling extra anxious for a day or more - something I didn't need on top of my existing anxieties and depression. I leant on it at weekends to unwind or relax from stress. When I started to reassess my whole life as I started my breakdown recovery I realised that my alcohol intake was on the list of things that needed to change. It was one of those enabling factors. I asked myself: why actively choose to drink something that made me feel worse? Drinking was for me, an act of self harm. 

Like many people who try to go alcohol-free/teetotal/sober, it took me more than one attempt for the change to stick but when it did - 2000 days ago - I was both ready and found it easy to do. Whenever I write or speak about my decision to go teetotal I always emphasise that I am not preaching and I know that giving up alcohol isn’t for everyone. But it was for me and I feel the benefits of it every day.

I haven't missed drinking once and cannot imagine any circumstances in which I will pick up an alcoholic drink again. I have however built on my love for tea - something nurtured by my wonderful late nan, Mary - and have added more tea pots, strainers, loose tea options and Fortnum and Mason tea caddies (if you know, you know!) over the last five and a half years.

My ongoing recovery - something I work at every day - is about doing things that are good for me and helping me be the best version of myself each day. Being alcohol-free is part of that effort.

It means being free of one other source of anxiety and depression.

It means removing a negative influence on me.

It means giving me a better chance of having a good day.

The decision to give up booze 2000 days ago was one of the best I've ever made: and I'll raise a cuppa to that today to celebrate.