A sense of belonging that helps lift my depression: Beannachtaí na Féile Pádraig

I have just emerged from a brief but nasty depressive episode. Last weekend was especially rough, with the dark cloud of sadness descending and hanging around like a stubborn weather front that wouldn’t shift. The storm in my mind brought up all the old feelings and fears of abandonment, rejection, worthlessness and more. My energy levels crashed; my voice became quieter and weaker; I was tearful; edgy; I dropped stuff; I bumped into things; I looked down at the ground; I struggled to be around anyone. Like all these episodes, it was painful. Deeply painful.  

I was helped out of it by a number of things, most important of all was my sense of belonging. A sense of being part of something that gives my life meaning and purpose; a sense of being part of something special. 

For me, this is made up of two things. 

The first is being part of my little family, with the love and support of my wonderful wife, Dr J, and our daughter, Miss J. When I am in these dark holes, Dr J offers a hand up; a reminder that I am loved and I am worth love.

The second, is about being part of my bigger Irish family: the worldwide community of people who share a connection with that wonderful piece of land that sits in between the US and the UK. A piece of land which is the spiritual home of millions around the world, with one recent estimate putting that figure at nearly 80 million. 

The stunning Rathmullan House, in County Donegal

I am one of those 80 million. An Irishman - not by birth - I was born in Liverpool (Ireland’s second city!) - but by heart. I consider it the greatest privilege that I have Irish-born relatives, notably a grandparent through whom I was able to claim my citizenship and then my passport. A relative who hailed from Wexford in the seminal year of 1916 (although a range of his official documents interchanged his birth year between 1915 and 1916!) and made a life in Liverpool as so many felt forced to do to find work. These two pieces of paper - my most prized - confer on me something official that I always knew in some vague way that I held. A something that meant I always felt drawn to the island of Ireland. The people. The sounds of voice and music. The history. The complexity. The humour. The emotion. The sentimentality (not hard to see the link to my birthplace). The generosity of spirit. The beauty of the land. 

That feeling of being drawn to the people and places of Ireland meant I always made Irish friends, listened to Irish music (something I remember hearing on a Sunday in my weekly visits to my Irish grandfather - after he retuned from Mass and the church club) and wanted to be Ronnie Whelan, Ray Houghton and John Aldridge when wearing my Liverpool kit as a boy. It was therefore no surprise that when I met a work colleague who would become my wife, I was immediately smitten by her beautiful voice and then even more beautiful Irish soul. 

Life is full of grey areas - not just green, white and orange. I am bursting with pride to be Irish and also respectful of the place I have lived for my 45+ years, which has given me a home, an education and many wonderful opportunities. I don’t have any divided loyalties - I don’t have any sporting allegiance dilemmas - but part of my sense of belonging is to embrace being Irish without having to dismiss other parts of my identity, especially being born in the greatest city in the world. 

In dark moments of sadness, when it is hard to imagine seeing the sunlight again, I am sustained by love. The love of my wife and daughter and the love I have for the country that sits deep inside my heart. A country that brings a tear to my eye, a lump to my throat and a smile to my face when I think about it. Being part of my big Irish family offers me a deep sense of belonging. Being born in England - just like St Patrick - just adds to that sense of belonging. As Andy Irvine (another great Irishman bought in England) wrote in his beautiful song, “My heart’s tonight in Ireland”. Not just tonight, but every night, and that makes such a difference in my life. 

Happy St Patrick’s Day.