US election: it may be painful, but it has to be accepted

Even if you wanted to avoid the US election campaign and some of the anger, conflict and vitriol it generated, I’m guessing it was hard to do. I spent months and months pouring over news sources - including my beloved daily New York Times subscription - podcasts, polls and forecasting models to understand the dynamics of the race and to work out what was going to happen. I studied politics at university, ran for election to the UK Parliament in 2010 (which feels like a lifetime ago!) and have been a fully-fledged politics (especially US politics) anorak for as long as I can remember. 

As I have shared on social media, I offer every client I work with a non-judgmental space and unconditional positive regard (as defined by the founder of person-centred therapy, Carl Rogers), including when they share their strongly-held and sometimes difficult to hear views on politics and the world. But I am also just a person, sitting in front of another person, with my own strongly-held views on politics and the world. 

The first AMJ Counselling newsletter, included this piece on the US election.

I wanted - with every part of my body - for Vice-President Harris to become President Harris. I can appreciate Donald Trump’s political skills and communication deftness, but I don’t appreciate his policies or the way he speaks about people who are different from him. 

I was both crestfallen and feeling a little foolish when the decisiveness of Donald Trump’s victory became clear in the early hours of Wednesday morning. It is clear now - and it should have been clear to me before election day - that this was a simple election. The current government - of which Vice-President Harris is a key figure - is both hugely unpopular and was seen to offer more of the same (which the vast majority of the electorate didn’t want) and appeared to have missed the key worry of voters: my cost of living is too high and I am worse off than I was four years ago. Mr Trump offered change, simple solutions to the complex economic and social problems of America, and a narrative that said to the vast majority of people: “it’s not your fault”. This is a heady mix. It was a toxic mix for Democrats. It was an obvious problem for the Vice-President. 

What I have seen this week - from clients and others - is the significant effect that important external events can have on us. For those supporters of Donald Tump - some of whom had sessions with me this week - this is a time for celebration and feelings of vindication. They have felt seen and heard. Their champion has won. They are victorious. 

For those who wanted a different result - again, I have seen a number of those in my counselling room this week - it has been a time of shock, despair and fear. 

As with all material that clients bring, I offer a space for them to be heard and for their experiences to be accepted. Often when we face difficult experiences that we cannot control - including how 150 million people decide to vote in an election - finding a way to make peace and acceptance of the outcome is the best place we can reach. 

For those of us who are left feeling sad or worse by this week’s result, no amount of gnashing of teeth is going to change it. We are entitled to feel how we feel and to hold the anger and fear that we hold. But, finding a way to accept our new reality will probably help us in the long run. 

I found solace in a few things this week. I watched the West Wing. I read my favourite poem that helps in difficult moments. I watched several documentaries on US presidents of the past - Carter, LBJ and Truman. I listened to beautiful music (especially classical music). I spent time with my wife and daughter. I played golf. I drank a lot of tea. I always drink a lot of tea!

I was trying - and I think succeeding - in acknowledging my feelings but not being over-run by them. Accepting the result and the reality of Donald Trump’s popularity is not the same as liking it - but it is the same as recognising that it is real; it exists; it is what it is. 

My conversations with clients and others this week who shared my disappointment, reflect the common experience of grief. The process takes as long as it takes and it is unique to every individual and every situation. But in the end, whether we like it or not, the loss remains. This week was a big loss. For Vice-President Harris. For Democrats. For America. For hope over fear. For hate over love. But, as Robert Kennedy frequently said, “in the final analysis” we have to accept the loss. Only acceptance can bring peace. Only peace can bring progress. Only progress can bring about change.