“You wouldn’t worry so much about what other people think about you, if you knew how little they do.”
I have borrowed the title of this blog post from a piece I read in the New York Times ‘Well Newsletter’ from May this year. It appeared in an article in which readers submitted examples of when their mums had been right in the wise words or advice they had shared.
The quote highlights an issue which is one of the most common I discuss with clients: worrying what other people think.
There are many ways in which this manifests in our lives. Some of these ways are harmless and can sometimes be helpful. It is useful - and some would argue a sign of good manners - to think about how your words and actions could impact on others - seeking to avoid causing pain. This is a social norm, which many of us subscribe to and feel is a way of ensuring we rub along with folk and avoid unnecessary upset, conflict or tension. I agree. But like in all things, there is a balance to be found and that balance needs to factor in our own needs and emotions.
The challenge comes when we take concern for others’ thoughts and feelings to a point where it harms us.
As I write this, I am picturing a wide range of examples: from caring what people think of our appearance, our relationship choices, the way we live our lives, the friends we pick, the jobs we undertake and the way we bring up our children, to name just a few. The tipping point - when we move from thinking about others’ views to avoid causing upset - is when we start to deny our own needs and preferences because we think others will disapprove, be annoyed, disappointed or worse.
These feelings can become more acute when we picture the people we are caring about themselves, and the role they play in our lives and their importance to us. The views of parents, partners, family members and friends are often more important to us than the views of strangers - although not always. And yet, should a parent or parents’ view of our decisions - for example, whether we attend a family social event, where we spend Christmas, or whether our haircut suits us, really matter? What extra rights does parentage, proximity or familiarly give people in our lives for us to allow their views and opinions to impose on our own? Should we ignore what we really want to do, say or be, because someone we care about it doesn’t agree?
Often clients tell me that they “should” do or say something - feeling a pressure or an expectation (often unspoken) from someone else. I often ask them “who says you should?” and mostly find one of two answers. Either, someone specific who has expressed this belief before (like a parent or partner) and the client feels it is hard to ignore, or the client thinks that is what someone thinks (even though it has never been expressed) and again it mustn’t be ignored. I will then often ask “what do you want to do?”. So often what the client wants and what the client is doing are different and the difference is down to the concern about what others think.
A good rule of thumb in my experience is to start from a place of asking ourselves what are my needs and what do I want to do? Most of the time we know. We have an instinct about what’s in our best interests. Views of others can help us make decisions and can open our eyes to other options - but if we are clear about our needs and desires and listen to our gut feelings or instincts, we will not go far wrong. That doesn’t mean we always make decisions and choices that work out for the best, but it means we are more like to be comfortable with our decisions and with ourselves. In the end, we, not somebody else, live in our own heads and we, not somebody else, need to feel comfortable in our own skin.
The damage that I see done every day to clients who feel they “should” do something that they know, or at the very least suspect, is bad for them, likely to upset them or make them unhappy, is heartbreaking. The temptation to prioritise the views of others over our own can be the result of years of lived experience of feeling pressure, expectation, criticism, receiving the silent treatment when we don’t do what is expected, disapproving looks or comments, the sigh of disappointment, the heavy hints of a different view, the controlling and coercive behaviour that belittles and demeans us, and the feeling that there isn’t really a choice. These things are not always easy to overcome but overcoming them doesn’t happen if we deny ourselves the right to be heard - by ourself.
Everyone has the right to an opinion on everything, but not to always share it. Likewise, we all have the right to do what is right for us, not to feel forced to meet the needs of others, not to place the preferences of others over our own. As the wise mum from the New York Times tells us, it is possible that people aren’t even thinking the things we have ascribed to them in any case - they are probably too busy worrying about themselves to be concerned about us. And if they are thinking about us and want us to do something we don’t want to do, then that’s their problem, not ours.