Know yourself; know your triggers; know your boundaries

‘Know thyself’, is like all great proverbs, full of both great simplicity and great complexity. With its roots in Ancient Greece, as long ago as the 5th century BC, it has become both a saying used in everyday life and an often-quoted maxim, closely associated with psychoanalysis. At its heart is a critical insight which can make all the difference to our happiness and contentment.

What does it mean? For me, it means developing a deep and meaningful understanding of oneself: what makes us tick, what makes us happy and sad, what activities and what company and relationships make our lives both live-able and thrive-able (not a word!).

It has taken many, many years of therapy; self-reflection; a breakdown; painful soul-searching; lots of trial and error; and, a number of dropped pennies for me to truly understand who I am, what is important to, me and how to look after myself.

That is a lot harder than it sounds. But the rewards for getting there are huge. Life-changing. Life-enhancing. Life-affirming. I have written previously about being an introvert - https://www.amjcounselling.com/amj-blog/being-an-introvert - and how, when that particular penny finally dropped, it opened my eyes to my own real needs - not the needs that had been projected on to me by others who liked/preferred “outgoing” Ben.

Embracing my introvert self has been game-changing for me, helping me to understand why certain people and situations unsettle me and leave me feeling anxious, unsettled and drained. Gaining a full understanding of what I need to be happy: 1) spending the most time possible with my people - my tribe; 2) limiting the time I spend with people who are not in my tribe; 3) spending time on my own; 4) spending time being quiet; 5) spending time on the activities from my mental health jam jar, several times every day (meaningful work, exercise, music, reading, writing etc).

This level of understanding of what I need - and don’t need - took some time to acquire but is now held as tightly and closely as humanly possible. I have no intention of letting it go, or letting what others want or expect from me get in the way of my needs. Does that sounds selfish? Good. It is. And I make no apology for it. Being selfish is not what most of us are taught when we are chdilren: it’s not rude, bad manners or naughty. It is essential to establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries. Boundaries are not walls that keep us apart from others we need in our lives, but instead they are healthy handrails that keep us safe from stumbling into danger.

I am writing this whilst attending a 9th birthday party. I have stayed at the venue (one of my happy places in Liverpool - MerseyMade) but have sat on my own, headphones on (tuned into TMS on BBC Radio), writing this blog, drinking tea and loving life. My needs for this time was for some quiet, some me-time for some meaningful activity (writing). My needs would not have been met by using this two hours to make small-talk. Will some attendees think me rude, or odd, or *insert other judging options? Possibly. Do I care? No.

It’s not that I want people to think negatively of me, but I don’t care if they do. I can’t change that if it is what they think, but as someone wrote recently in The New York Times: “You wouldn’t worry so much about other people think of you if you knew how little they do”.

I don’t care too because it’s not important. I know that I am not being rude. I am tending to my needs, which helps me to be a better dad, husband, friend and person in the world. It also ensures that I look after my health and wellbeing and avoid some of the holes I’ve been down before; holes I have no plans to revisit.

In the last few months, I was in a situation in my personal life which was a good test of my knowledge of myself and my boundaries. I was getting upset by how interacting with a small group of people was leaving me feeling. It wasn’t their fault. They were - are - good people. They weren’t upsetting me on purpose. But I was left upset. The interactions were triggering for me; I was experiencing feelings of abandonment and rejection by men older enough to be my father. I am estranged from my father. You can do the math.

It didn’t take me long to work out that continuing the relationships they way they had been continuing was not going to be good for me and my long-term mental health. I knew that I needed to make a change . I knew that I needed to look after my needs, however irrational or over-reacting it may feel to them.

I knew this because I know myself. Fully and completely. Not just knowing myself but accepting myself.

Know thyself. Accept thyself.