Being an introvert in an extrovert world
If I have learnt one thing in my practice as a psychotherapist/counsellor, it’s that there is no substitute for being seen and accepted. Not in a vacuous, superficial way, but in a way that feels meaningful, stress-free and to be truly understood and valued for who we are.
That level of acceptance means that the way we are, how we operate in the world, and our own needs and preferences are not challenged or questioned or rubbished or dismissed. They are embraced and respected, with every effort made to give us the space and understanding to have our needs met and to live our lives as we wish it to be lived. As some of my younger clients say; “I’ll do me and you do you.”
This simple creed seems so easy and so obvious as a way to live (and let live) when they say it and yet the lack of acceptance of who we are and our decisions and choices lie at the heart of why so many people sit across from me in my counselling room, or on my Zoom screen each day. The negative feelings we get from the idea that who we are isn’t good enough or fitting with the expectations of others can be so painful and so damaging to our self-worth and self-esteem that it can take us to very unhappy, sometimes very dark, places.
Take one example of this phenomena. Being an introvert.
Like millions of people, I am an introvert. But also like millions of people, I am expected and pressured to be an extrovert and if, not careful, this can cause me stress and upset.
If you look up the definition of introvert online you will find similar themes but a surprising amount of difference in the language that various dictionary/academic sites use.
They all agree that being an introvert has something to be with liking solitude (agreed) and a preference for quietness (also agreed) as well as - drawing on the latin from which the word originates - something about turning inward and being content in one’s own mind and space (yep). But there is then some debate about whether this is about shyness (not always in my experience) or about finding it hard to talk to people (again, not from my lived or professional experience).
These differences in definitions highlights the challenges for introverts - we are not well-understood. It was Carl Jung who introduced the words ‘extroversion’ and ‘introversion’ into psychology and he explored several different personality types within these labels and contended that everyone has both an extroverted side and an introverted side, with one being more dominant than the other. By the way, the reason I object to the word “shyness” is that it implies a fear or an inability to interact with others rather than a preference to be alone or to have a limited amount of interaction, which is what I hear about most from clients. It is often not a need to avoid people completely but to have a clear idea about how much interaction is good for the person that need to be respected.
The key point for me is that whatever our personality type - whoever we are - is good enough and should be accepted without the need for constant questions and challenges. Take the introvert who prefers to eat lunch alone rather that with colleagues at work, or fellow students at school or college. Why is this a problem? Why do they need to be questioned or encouraged into “joining in” when what they need is some time alone to recharge their emotional batteries and get ready to go again after lunch, knowing they will most likely need to interact with others once more?
The introvert who prefers a quiet night in rather than attending a noisy party isn’t doing anyone any harm and yet they are often made to feel pressured or guilty for choosing a night that suits them rather than suits others. The introvert who likes to read a book and/or listen to music on headphones or airpods is often described as ‘anti-social’ rather than just left doing what makes them happy. They are judged rather than being left to do what they need to do.
I have always been seen as a confident person, someone who can (and does) speak in public, can make small-talk and mix with people, and who enjoys being around people. I would often have been described as a ‘people-person’. This is only partly true. I can do it (the being sociable bit) but I only like being with people I like being with and am much happier on my own than in a crowd. When most recently thrown into a forced mixing/social situation - on my university course to train to be a therapist - these tensions were apparent. I took seriously my responsibility to engage with others, be a team player and be professional in ensuring I was talking to colleagues on the course.
But I took every opportunity - including every break and lunch time - to get some me-time and take a break from the crowd. I also took myself off all the various WhatApps groups that sprung up almost immediately once the course got underway. These decisions - decisions I took to support my own mental health and wellbeing - were commented on regularly - often negatively - by some of my fellow students. I am old enough and self-confident enough to handle it and in some ways relished it as it confirmed my strongly-held views on the importance of being true to oneself and not succumbing to pressure to conform, but it brought with it unnecessary pressure and far too much lack of acceptance and empathy for my choices and way of being. Ironic, you might think for a course full of trainee therapists.
It is said that extroverts outnumber introverts by three to one so perhaps that explains why the prevailing wisdom - and societal pressure - seems to lean so heavily on the importance of mixing with others and being ‘sociable’ rather then being left to do whatever works for you - including some quiet, alone-time. There is something about how society can view introverts - as loners - and extroverts as charismatic or the life and soul of the party - that cements this idea of one being better or more preferable than the other. I utterly reject this and see the harm this view can do.
My younger clients have another brilliant expression they share with me all the time: '‘it’s not that deep’. They are telling me and the world that who they are, what they want, and how they wish to live, is no big deal. It doesn’t need to be a battle or a challenge or a daily slog. It needs to be - should be - simple. They are asking the question that so many of us pose in our heads every day: why can’t you just leave me alone and let me just do me?'. Acceptance of that idea would improve so many lives, every day.