Listening to your own needs isn’t being selfish - it’s essential.

“Security isn’t a dirty word, Blackadder”, bellowed Stephen Fry as the incomparable General Sir Anthony Cecil Hogmanay Melchett in the legendary BBC series. This scene - alongside many others from this comedy classic - still makes me smile, so many years and so many rewatches later. It has been on my mind recently as I’ve been in many conversations with clients about another word that is also taboo, dirty, unspeakable - and one that I see people recoiling from wherever it is used. The word is ‘selfish’.

The recoiling comes as the word selfish seems to be used mostly commonly as an insult , perhaps the ultimate criticism of someone’s character or the most damning condemnation that could be offered on someone’s behaviour. The recoiling can appear even more acute whenever it is reflected that perhaps being selfish is just what a client may want or need to be in that moment. It seems that even the idea of being deliberately selfish can be too hard for many to bear.

I understand - as least in general terms - what is happening. I myself was brought up with the idea that being selfish was a bad thing. I don’t blame it all on the indoctrination of catholic guilt (although it must take some blame!), but on a wider societal positioning of the word that means it is not something one is taught to be.

We were often told growing up to think of others; to not get too big for our boots; to be humble; to be considerate; to put others needs first; to do as we are told; to listen to our teachers, parents and any other adults; to get on with it (whatever it was). We were rarely told to think about our needs, recharging our batteries, or our self care.

And yet, I see all the time in my practice clients who put the needs of others ahead of theirs so often that they have lost sight of their own needs and are often incapable of meeting even the most basic of them. These unfulfilled needs - which may be for someone as simple as some “me-time” each day (a walk, a bath, a book, a piece of music, a finished cup of tea or coffee, five minutes peace and quiet) - are firmly behind their time being for others: family time, work time, studying time, doing the cooking/washing/cleaning/dog walking /school run time. Of course, there can be great joy and satisfaction in these times, but they are inherently not about the self but about others.

I hear client talking about their life and their interactions and how they are consistently squeezed out in preference for the needs of others. This can be a source of great distress. It can be a source of deep upset. It can be incredibly sad to hear.

Being selfish doesn’t need to be seen as negative thing but as an essential part of meeting your own needs, which can then help you meet the needs of others. Being selfish doesn’t need to be something to be avoided but embraced. Being selfish doesn’t need to be a dirty word but a watchword for work-life balance, healthy relationships and healthy boundaries. Being selfish is not a luxury but an essential. In the long run, being selfish can be the most selfless thing you can be.